I have a pregnancy scar but no child to show for it!!!

Mine was not a planned pregnancy at all. I suffered from PCOS since long and was under medication for the same (which my then gynecologist had confirmed that also doubled as oral contraceptives). So in my head I was absolutely sure that there was zero chance of pregnancy for me, which was a good thing as I am not a very maternal person.

So when my morning sickness and constant bouts of puke sessions started, I was sure that the chicken I was eating was giving me upset stomach and acidity. Normally, I love any preparation of chicken, but during those days, I could not stand the smell of chicken or anything fried. I was under the impression that my body was telling me to reject this stuff because of indigestion and acidity.  Also since I’d miss my periods more often than not, I did not pay heed to the fact that it was 3 months and no signs of period had happened.

Since I did not realize I was pregnant, I continued my normal life, like lifting heavy bags, walking my dog (Ole Kumar was young and unruly back then and used to pull in all directions). Occasional drinking of cola, beer and wine, road side fast food and Chinese food also continued and I took pain medications that would be a big  NO during pregnancy, as my back and legs would hurt a lot.

One day, I was travelling to meet a friend, I saw a rodent becoming a road kill in the traffic and burst into tears which slowly transformed into a howl and the auto wala got mighty scared and kept asking me what has happened. Now I couldn’t tell him that I was sobbing because of a road kill. Nope, not really!

After a continued sobbing session over the road kill in front of my friend, she insisted that I get a pregnancy test done immediately is when I jogged (yes, I jogged) to the nearby medical store and bought 2 test kits of different brands (just to be sure)!

After 2 pink strips on both the tests, the point was driven home that I was pregnant! That’s when she and I calculated to figure out that I was at least 3 months pregnant!!!!!

Called my husband to meet me at the earliest (did not tell him the news over the phone). When I met him I was all red from crying. I didn’t even know why I was crying so much, but I was.  After parking myself in the auto I told him the news. For those who don’t know my husband, he believes in having a poker face for all life altering situations, so I could not figure out whether he was happy or not and I started crying again. It seemed I was carrying a raw onion with me always that my eyes had to tear up at the drop of a hat.

Anyhow, we went to an obstetrician and as per her calculations as well I was 3 months pregnant. So my first trimester was over without me knowing about it or without the care that I needed to take for my li’l pea (as I decided to name my unborn child then).

Arrays of blood tests and ultra sound started from that day on-wards, and I continued being a bundle of emotions getting pissed off or upset over nothing.

Even though li’l pea was an accident, I could see myself with a baby, and to my surprise I was happy about it. I was now taking folic acids and other meds I was prescribed by the doctor, I would listen to good music (classic rock) so that the kid develops a good taste in music, and I would read happy books and graphic novels then again to transfer the interest in books to li’l pea. I started eating healthy and walking daily. Now my husband would walk my Ole Kumar (dog) and I would walk alongside.

Whole lot of tests and ultra sounds happened over the next few weeks because everything started late. By the middle of the fourth month, we found out to our horror that the baby does not have a proper spine and brain growth. Doctors politely explained the entire situation to us and left the decision on to me.

Like I said earlier I am not a very maternal person, but the pregnancy had made me see otherwise. I loved li’l pea to bits and I knew what I had to do. No matter how much I fell in love with the kid and no matter how everyone thought this was my only chance to pregnancy (as I was 35 back then), I could not bring a child into this world who would be incapable of taking care of himself/herself when old enough. Horrible thoughts came to my mind that what would happen to my child after we are not alive (this would be a concern if the child was born with less than adequate brain and spine development).

Feeling less than human I took the decision to terminate my pregnancy. My baby was a fighter as no amount of medicines or injections worked on him. Finally, just before the end of the 5th month, a C-section surgery and li’l pea was no more.

Did I think I’d feel absolutely miserable even after couple of years after the incident, no! But I do! Did I consider the fact that I would tear up even while writing this? Absolutely not, I am stronger than this… but I did! Even though I never shed a tear after the surgery, the thought of it still kills me a little bit inside every freaking time.

What I am trying to say here is, every person grieves in a different way, take your time and upsetting as it is, ladies who have suffered this, there is nothing to be ashamed off.

Be strong and be well!!!

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