I was sleeping, like a log, breathing heavily, the room was dark, I was alone and suddenly I felt a small kick, inside. I woke up,drank a glass of water and smiled,caressed my ever budging tummy. My tear drops that had dried and had left a mark on my cheeks, itched a little, I gazed at my expecting child totally unaware of “it” being a boy or girl. I just whispered “darling,your mommy will take care of you and your happiness no matter what”
Rusha was born in 2013, I got a divorce in 2014. Albeit now I am pretty cool about it and it’s just another matter-of-fact part of life and ironically enjoying every bit of my freedom now without being bothered by any excess baggage; this life changing decision then, cost me my entire emotional quotient and needless to say my health! I had to constantly juggle between my professional and personal life, take care of my infant child at home,and handle legal proceedings—all single handed.
The day I decided,my decision wasn’t firm, I was haunted by multi-various pros and cons: am I doing it right? Will my child feel neglected? What will the society say? Will my child hold me responsible for this? Will she blame me? How will she cope up with this later? Will she be happy? Will she love me? Am I bereaving her from a father figure? Being a single mom how successful shall I be? Will I be able to give her enough time? I couldn’t live up to the fact that my daughter will never have a father, that she will never have a family in the terminological sense.
One day, as I came back from office,and was feeling emotionally drained ,sitting on the edge of the bed,with my back towards my daughter and shedding tears silently,I was rethinking my decision and was on the verge of breakdown, rusha crawled to me,held out her hand and as I took her in my arms she held me and placed her lips and tongue on my cheek and licked my tears. For a split-second i was overcome by a deluge of emotions,I hugged her tight and shook my head.
If I stay back in this relationship, I thought, can I make Rusha happy? Will she feel comfortable seeing her parents unhappy,emotionally strangled,and depressed all the time? Fighting all the time?? Will she have a good image of her family? Will she have faith in the concept of marriage and family? Will she respect me for who I am, and what i am doing? Will she trust men as she grows up? Will she have a healthy psychological development? What she may feel when she will realise the tarnished relationship between her parents? peer pressures regarding parental issues??? How will she cope?
I just couldn’t hold my self any longer, I remembered an old saying by one of my school friends—family need not be complete only by a father and a mother, a family is always complete by love and care and concern for each other.
Rusha needs love,she needs to be an independent,well educated, free willed woman, a worthy woman. She needs to an optimistic lady with conviction and a father is not the only entity who can create her into such, she needs a role model, not a weeping,sulking,unhappy, baggy-eyed mom.
Yes,this decision was tough and heart wrenching,but my daughter’s happiness mattered the most and that made me wriggle through the toughest days of my life.
- Amrrita Banerjee
- February 13, 2017
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