To Be or Not To Be – A woman’s choice!!!

To be or not to be is the question. Getting married itself brings in a lot of changes in a woman’s life. Although we are moving towards a more urbanized living culture, a majority of India still operates on the traditional values and rituals. For a woman a marriage brings forward moving into the husband’s house and adapting to his culture, more so if it’s a joint family. Traditionally all over the world women have adapted the husband’s last name after marriage. Some also get a new first name. Women thereby shed anything they were born with in are re-born on the day they wed.

It’s that time in human history that women have been fighting for equality. Equality not only at workplace and home but also equality of existence; many women refuse to take on the husband’s last name after marriage because they believe it’s a mark of subservience. This may rightly be so! Why women should be made to take on the partners identity.

I use my husband’s name. I would have ideally liked to use my maiden last name – married name. To my disadvantage and the misogyny of bank representative and HR executive of the company I started working for immediately after my marriage wrote my name as first name-husbands last name. I was 23. And it didn’t strike me until my pan card/bank account/access card all came up in that format eventually. So I have continued using that name ever since.

The misogyny of the passport office also made sure that my son’s passport is in the same format first name-father’s first name-fathers last name. Mother has no role or significance. It is annoying that people serving at government position and handling paperwork have still not gotten over the fact that maybe a woman does not want to change her name. It shouldn’t be imperative. Not anymore when the men are not responsible for us financially and socially. When women earn their own wealth and status they should be allowed to retain their birth identity.

After speaking with some of my friends who haven’t changed their maiden name to married despite being married for many years, I realized that documentation till date is a hassle. I have enumerated the issues faced by these women below:

Family – The family is the first hurdle that one would face is the woman decides to retain her maiden name. Most men now-a-days don’t really care if you take his last name or no but his mother and father would definitely object. Sometimes even your own. The relatives would start judging you on your level of commitment for the relationship and hence starts the endless questioning and explaining.

Booking hotel rooms – Since ‘moral policing’ is order of the day even at hotels, when presented with identity cards with different last names, couples are frowned upon. Apparently it is imperative to have Pan Card and Driving License in the same last name to book a hotel room to prove that you are legitimately married to cohabitate in the same hotel room.

Passport – For passport applications the officials harass you to change to married name because it is apparently ‘illegal’ to still carry your maiden name if married. Women have managed to still procure the passport but after much question-answer and uncomfortable judgments.

Renting an Apartment – We all know how our society reacts to live-in type of couple (which amounts to another blog altogether), however in order to rent an apartment you would get judgmental looks and questioning if you do not share the husbands last name.

Visa Application – For applying for holiday travel Visa it’s a pain since different last names raise red flags for the officials.

Children’s Last name – Many a times after the child is born there would be discussions and debates on whose last name would the child take… Will it be the father’s or the mother’s? Or will it be both? There are issues in school admissions, child’s passport, visa application and other investments later on owing to the fact that it is the same misogynistic officials that are handling these documents.

To solve all the above issues the most important document is to carry your marriage certificate. It is often inconvenient but unless the outlook of the society changes women will have to fight this battle of keeping their birth name.
Please share with us any experience you may have due to similar situations.