Explaining death

We were watching Inside Out for the gazillionth time when the question popped out of nowhere. Bing Bong had just asked Joy to take care of Riley for him and I hear the voice piping up, “Amma, what happened to Bing Bong?” I had hoped the questions was a few years away, but might as well as answer it when the iron is hot. “He has gone up into the sky to be with the stars,” I said. “He would be living in Riley’s heart, and also the sky above as a star,” I explained as gently as I could as I launched forth into explaining the phenomenon of death as gently as possible to an almost 4-year old.

And I had believed that was that – we had explained death to my little baby. Until one day, we were talking about grandparents and all of a sudden popped the question, “Where is his ammachhan?” – referring to her cousin’s maternal grandfather. Of course, I now had the answer pat. “He has gone up to be with the stars,” I said. “But that’s for Bing Bong and cartoons.” So, in my little one’s mind, she didn’t see real people and cartoon characters interacting in the realm beyond. And we launched into another discussion about how stars are for everybody.

I have been asked a few times why I would introduce death to my little girl so early. And my answer is always the same – so as to help her cope with loss in an unforeseen eventuality. If we haven’t explained the concept to her, how would we explain any unpredictable situations that may arise in our lives?

And is she marred in any way from it? Not at all! She has accepted it with the natural élan that only kids are capable of – it is, today, just one more thing in this wide spectrum of learning’s that is added to her knowledge bank. The gory details are, of course, are avoided for now – but the idea has registered.

When kids see pictures from the childhood of their parents, they understand that everybody is born a baby and eventually grows up and then becomes old. The final piece in the puzzle is, of course, ‘going up to live among the stars’. These are just basic truths of life that, I believe, a child should be introduced to in a manner and language that is suited to her understanding.

I am part of a large extended family. Childhood always meant we are spending time at ancestral homes of each of my cousins, and their grandparents became the community grandparents for all of us. And as time went by, news of them passing away would come in. Our parents were quite liberal in discussing these matters with us even while we were kids – at least telling us what had happened. As a result, I believe most of us were quite pragmatic in our outlook towards life and death. We didn’t grow up with rosy glasses and neither, I believe, should my daughter!