Single mothers often think of falling in love and getting remarried, and practically there’s no harm in it, provided, we remember two things:
- This man psychologically shouldn’t be anywhere near to the previous one.
- The child should not be like an added baggage or an obstacle.
Most of the time, life isn’t so smooth. The most important role of being a single mother is striking a balance, as, on one hand the child is your priority, and the other, you as an individual with your life and dreams and wishes. So let me tell you it’s going to be a tight rope walk.
First, you need to consider whether you want to be in a relationship or are you happy being a single mom, catering to your child and enjoying your life on your own terms and conditions without bothering much about being answerable to another man. If you feel that you need a man to shoulder your responsibilities or even better, if cupid has struck you, BINGO!!! In that case, try to gauge your partner’s mood about kids. talk to him about your kid and see his reaction; if he says that he never wanted kids, doesn’t now, or can’t stand kids, sees kids as a drain on money, time, and fun, or doesn’t want anything to do with your child, you need to reconsider, and may be give him some time to rethink his decision. However since you cannot waste your entire life on a man pondering over his decision, please take a stand, let him clear his mind and you your doubts and move on.
However, if he really loves or cares for you, he will accept you with your children, undoubtedly; but don’t ever have a misconception that he will eventually fall in love with your kids because they are wonder bunch. Let’s get this straight, if he doesn’t like them now, he never will. Also it’s very important that you talk to your children and see their comfort level, they shouldn’t feel discontent with the man or about your relationship. Remember, you left your previous husband and took your child with you because she/he was your priority. So this prioritisation should continue even now. Don’t persuade your children to like the man whom you love. Love is not a forcible action, at least not with the kids. You need to talk to your children, tell them they will get a loving father, a partner in crime, someone to take them for midnight ice-cream walks, to spoil them with toys and hugs and kisses and a man to teach them values and to take care of their mom too. Kids are not dullards, they are simply insecure creatures who fear they will lose attention and love; hence it becomes on us to continually shower them with our love even though we are in a relationship.
If you have children and you are looking for love and marriage, hold out for a man who understands that!!!
- To love you is to love your kids first: They are part of you and part of your life. Yes, it’s more complicated than marrying a childless person who is free to spend all her time and affection on someone else. But it is also more rewarding. Marrying a woman with children makes an instant family. Marrying a woman with children provides the chance to relive the positive experiences of growing up or to heal old hurts by making a better childhood for someone elses kids.
- Loving you means understanding that the kids take priority you fell in love with your partner. The kids didn’t. They will be ambivalent, no matter how wonderful you think your guy is. They are likely to have strong feelings about not having all your attention and time. They may resist adjusting to changes that come with marriage. It falls on the adults to be adults and to put kids’ needs first for a while. They will need help making the countless big and little changes that come with accommodating another person in their home and their lives.so you need to learn to put them on your priority list until they adjust with the new person.
- Loving you means doing hands-on parenting. Working through differences and decisions about how both of you will encourage and discipline the kids is an important part of your courtship. For kids to grow, they need parents who are on the same page at least most of the time. They need the safety of structure and limits, the approval that is the building block of self-esteem, and the clarity of consequences that helps them learn to be responsible.
When you are thinking of remarriage it’s important you find someone who matches your level of emotions and temperament. However, more than matching your priorities, remember he needs to match the parental priorities. For i am sure you don’t want to set a squabbling family as an example for your children nor do you want to walk the aisle of a civil court filing another divorce because he ill-treated your children.
- Amrrita Banerjee
- April 4, 2016
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